As a self-identified non-binary and neurovariant ‘other’, the different phases of my life journey have passed through many experiences and performances of self. This multimodal project is a reflection of self over time, created by sourcing archival photographic objects from family, friends, and my digital archive, and presenting the outcomes to myself, and the viewers of this work so as to explore my journey and where I found freedom from the darkness external to me.

As a self-identified non-binary and neurovariant ‘other’, the different phases of my life journey have passed through many experiences and performances of self. This multimodal project is a reflection of self over time, created by sourcing archival photographic objects from family, friends, and my digital archive, and presenting the outcomes to myself, and the viewers of this work so as to explore my journey and where I found freedom from the darkness external to me.

“The rhizome is altogether different, a map and not a tracing. Make a map, not a tracing.” (Deleuze and Guattari 1987).

By undertaking the project by utilising the research by practice methodology, the rhizomatic methodology of concept exploration based on the work of Jacques Deleuze, and viewing the chronological archive through frameworks that include gender and self through Erving Goffman; gender performativity through Judith Butler; queer theory through Nikki Sullivan; and post structural critique through Jacques Derrida, I have been able explore the memories contained within the archive from both a personal and external viewpoint.

My creative photographic practice is primarily based on collaboration with others as the subject, while I capture that which I ‘see’, however with this project, it has be others who have collaborated with me as the subject, in most cases as per of coexistance, and the collaboration with my past/present self that is the driver. As part of this project, I have also created a small selection of redux photographs, taken with a similar aesthetic to memories of past, to document the passing of time and changing of nature.

“We form ourselves within the vocabularies that we did not choose, and sometimes we have to reject those vocabularies, or actively develop new ones.” (Butler 2014)

This exploration has resulted in a separation of self that I have presented the left video. The first separation, that of the hidden years, can be noted by the intervention of red coloured dots, representational of hiding in plain sight, masking myself to survive the trauma that was inflicted upon myself by some individuals, the church and the wider society around me. The second separation can be seen when I break free of the red dots, where my past self made a stand for the individual I wanted to be. Presenting self as I saw fit, and existing outside of conservative religious normative world views enabled a new strength to challenge ways of being that I always felt were intrinsically wrong. Within the left video, I have also classified the connection and nature of those who co-existed within the memories. Blue for family, white for friends and associates, black for those who caused trauma, and grey for those who shared or added to those experiences within the trauma.

“The self, then, as a performed character, is not an organic thing that has a specific location, whose fundamental fate is to be born, to mature, and to die; it is a dramatic effect arising diffusely from a scene that is presented, and the characteristic issue, the crucial concern, is whether it will be credited or discredited.” (Goffman 1973)

While the left video enables the viewer of this work the opportunity to witness or judge myself and my journey, the right video is present to balance the participation. The video of myself breaking the fourth wall to observe, or judge those viewing my life, allows for a representation of reciprocal intent. The right video is of myself being me, and can be interpreted as acceptance, indifference, or judgment in equal measure.

The key inspirations for this video work have been Andy Warhol: for his photographic drag performance as subject; his artworks featuring his community of other; and most importantly his screentests, and John Baldessari for his use of dots for subtraction within his works. Additional photographic influences such Helmut Newton, Richard Avedon and Bert Stern can be seen within the archive as they have played a part in the photographer I have become.

This project has been created to allow for a customisation of presentation, depending on the space in which it will reside. The key video works I envision as side-by-side projections or screen presentations, while the photographs within the videos can exist as fine art prints, or pasteup images, allowing for a similar still viewing experience.

The lack of audio within this work in intentional, as a contrast to the experience of living this journey, and way to contemplate, in silence, the memories that I remember as still images, rather than home movies in my mind.

As of this moment, this completed project exists as process of self-exploration, and a foundational work for my creative journey.